So I Threw My Wife A Party

Not that many of you actually noticed that I’ve been gone for about a month, but it turns out, I’ve been celebrating my wife’s birthday.  I used to love a good birthday party – a little bit of cake, some ice cream, maybe a pinata and some carne asada.  Damn! Other than the time I had to go to the hospital for stitches because my aunt thought my head was a pinata, birthday parties were awesome growing up.

Everything changes when you’re older … and married.

When you’re married, birthday parties are all about going all out and impressing people.  Lounges, clubs, and fancy dinners replace good old cake and ice cream.  And you can’t have the same type of celebration two years in a row – no way – so you have to really be good about spreading your ideas out and not using them up all at once.

Still, I have to admit, since I’ve been married, birthday parties really give me an amazing opportunity to score some points with my wife.  Under non-birthday situations, she would normally take care of most of the planning, which she doesn’t mind (at least she says she doesn’t, but I know differently).  So when my wife’s birthday month comes along – yes, she gets an entire birthday month – it’s actually my chance to show her and her friends what I can do.  At the end of the day, it’s a great way to impress her and her friends, and really tick off all the other husbands, fiances, and boyfriends in the crowd.

My wife’s birthday month is something I’ve actually come to enjoy very much, especially since most of the time, life and work really keep me from being able to give her so much attention for such an extended period of time.  Admittedly, it was tough at first, mostly because I made things more complicated than they had to be.  The truth is that birthday parties for my wife don’t have to be fancy – they can be, but they don’t have to be.  In general, I will tell you that it comes down to thought and effort.  As long as you include those two ingredients into your birthday planning efforts, you really can’t go wrong.

Depending on when her birthday falls, I generally have anywhere from 3-5 opportunities to celebrate my wife’s birthday. Weekdays are tough, so I’ve taken care to establish that weekends are reserved for me and any plans I may have for her.  If her friends want to do something for her, weekdays are wide open.  So, how do you plan out a birthday party, especially one that lasts a month long?  Even if you aren’t ready to make such a long-term commitment, here’s the formula I’ve used for the past few years.  So far, it’s worked like a charm – just remember, you have to vary things every year to keep her on her toes.

For starters, remember to celebrate the day.  No matter how big or small the celebration – especially for birthdays during the week after a long day at work, or if she already knows that I’m planning something big for later – I always make it a point to celebrate her birthday. The great part is that because you are planning something bigger for later on in the month, her birthday celebration can be something small and subtle.  For me, I always go with 3 things: a small cake, a small but meaningful gift (flowers, a card, or something sweet), and a creative way to tell her what I have planned for the month – this year I went with a hand drawn map of all the places I was taking her to celebrate.  Other years, I’ve used letters, movies, even my little niece and nephew to let my wife know what she was getting for her birthday month.

Your plan for this monthly celebration should take into account a few important factors: something for her friends, something for the two of you, something fun and unexpected, and something simple and relaxing.  If you follow this formula, everyone gets to celebrate!

One weekend has to be dedicated to celebrating with her friends (and your’s too).  This year for her friends weekend, I made reservations at a nice lounge.  My wife loves being out with her friends, but hates to have to fight for space at a club, so I made sure to reserve a nice area where she and her friends could sit, talk, and enjoy a good drink without having to deal with a crowd.

For our just the two of us weekend, I took a traditional route and took my wife out to our favorite italian restaurant for dinner followed by a movie.  Sounds boring, but since we rarely get out to the movies and dinner, she absolutely loved it.  The fact that the movie was Cinderella definitely gave me major brownie points too!

For her fun and unexpected weekend, I planned a trip to a local theme park, but I surprised her by inviting a handful of her friends to meet us for brunch inside the park.  Needless to say, the trip to the theme park started off as a disappointment (she was expecting something unexpected), but when she walked in to the park’s food area and saw that her friends were there to spend the day with her, she absolutely lit up.

When her simple and relaxing weekend comes along, it’s a chance for me to relax a bit and not have to worry about having to plan something big or complicated.  Usually, by the end of the month, she’s a bit tired of the celebration and we literally end up doing something simple like brunch or drinks at the beach.  In the past, I’ve taken her to museums, shopping centers, even a spa.  This year, we went for a run early in the morning stopped by a little mom and pop store and bought her a dress, then swung by a local bar for some after-workout drinks.

Talk about a perfect ending to a great birthday month – everyone had a chance to celebrate, and no one had to go to the hospital for stitches.

It’s a Marriage, Not a Competition

Just before my wife and I were married, my father-in-law gave me one simple piece of advice: make each other better.

My wife works long hours.  Sometimes, she won’t make it home ’till 6 or 7 in the evening – and that’s from a job that sometimes starts at 7 am!. She’s a therapist and a psychologist, and she’s great at what she does.  I like to say that the reason we work as a couple is because she’s a psychologist and I’ve got problems.

She has two Master’s degrees and is working on her doctorate.  She’ll never admit it because it’s not in her nature, but my wife is kind of a big deal.  Now, I’m not too shabby myself, but if you stand us side by side, the only thing I have over her is that I’m just a little bit taller, but beyond that, I can’t hold a candle to the woman.

In certain circles, my wife’s success would be intimidating if not downright threatening to some men.  There are certain men that just can’t handle being in a relationship where the woman is more successful than they are.  For the life of me, I don’t seem to understand why.  When I got married, it wasn’t to find out if I could be more successful than my wife, or to see if I could get a better job, more degrees, or more recognition than she could.  I married her because of what I knew we could mutually accomplish if we worked with each other rather than against each other.

So how does my wife’s success make me feel?

Damn proud.  You know why?  Because it’s a marriage, not a competition.  When I had the opportunity to go back to graduate school and get not one but two advanced degrees, my wife supported me 100%.  She suffered with me through setbacks, and celebrated my successes.  She inspired me and helped me find my voice.  She helped me to understand my value.  Why would I not do the same for her?

When someone asks me how I deal with the amount of work she has to do for school and her job, I tell them, “I live it right along with her.”  I know that our society still subscribes to the ridiculous stereotype that women are the caregivers in a relationship and that a man that exhibits characteristics of caring is somehow not “man enough”, but how could I call myself a man – how can I seriously say I’m trying to make her better – if i don’t stand by her side when she needs me?

My workday ends at 5 pm (most of the time).  The days and nights when my wife is bogged down with school work or reports for her job, my role is simple but important.  I’m there to do whatever (and I sincerely mean whatever) I can to support her.  That’s how I deal with her having to work so much.  That’s how I make sure she knows that I’m on her side – how I make her better. When she’s been at the computer for three hours typing up a report, I might make her some tea. On the day’s when she’s transcribing interviews and coding data, I might sit next to her and work on my blog.  When she struggles to get her thoughts out, I’m a sounding board for her that helps her get back on track.

The point is that I’m there with her – the way she was with me.  It’s not about “I went through it, now you have to do the same.”  And it’s certainly not about, “She’s a woman and can’t do it on her own.”  A good husband finds ways to be there for his wife.  I don’t want to see her fail or stand by and see her struggle without offering some sort of comfort or support. And it’s not out of some twisted, hegemonic view that women need protecting – I’m her husband, not her adversary, and it’s marriage, not a competition.

Which One Should I Wear?

We’ve all been there.

It’s 5 o’clock on a Friday – looong week at work and all I want to do is spend some time with that beautiful woman who decided to marry me.  Dinner sounds perfect, maybe even drinks afterward – or before – whatever works.

I’m not a complicated guy, but I know she is, even though she won’t admit it.  I’m talking about the woman who orders nachos with the chips on the side and no onions, unless they’re grilled.  I mean, she makes Sally Albright from When Harry Met Sally look normal.  So I spend all day preparing, like a coach working out a game plan, for what I know is coming next.

I’ve gone ahead and made dinner reservations – a nice place where she can order what she wants the way she wants to order it.  I’m thinking about a steakhouse – a nice 24 ounce steak, medium plus (a curious new way of cooking steak that I was introduced to on Valentine’s Day).  But this is a blog about staying happily married, so sacrifices have to be made.

I’ve certainly earned points for making dinner reservations, and successfully avoided the potentially disastrous “Whatever you want to eat” argument.  But that’s not what this post is about.  After a long week at work, dinner reservations have been made, cabs have been reserved, and all I’m dressed and ready to go.  That only leaves her.

We’ve all been there.

Dinner is set for 7 and it will take us at least 30 minutes to get to the restaurant.  By 6 o’clock, I’m ready to go.  I’m a guy of course, so a nice pair of jeans, a casual button down, my favorite pair of Jordans, and blue blazer are all I need.  Things are a little more complicated for her – a lesson that was very, very tough for me to learn.  Once I did though, man!

I’ve learned to give her time and space to get ready.  I don’t stress her and that keeps my stress level down.  After all, the whole point of going out after a long and tough work week is to de-stress not re-stress.  At 6 o’clock, the old me would have been stressing out and telling her to hurry up, pouting over always being late.  I mean, c’mon, I’m ready to go and my wife just started doing her hair and make-up.  So, while she’s busy getting pretty, I’m catching up on the day’s news – sports, politics, weather (okay, mostly sports) and having a drink.  But, I’m doing so cautiously because I know that THE QUESTION will eventually come up – and I’m getting mentally prepared for it.

We’ve all been there.

At about 6:25, she calls me into the room.  Here we go.  Her hair looks amazing, and her make-up (even though she doesn’t need it) is flawless.  But she’s not dressed.  “Which one should I wear?”

We’ve all been there.

So, here’s where the advice comes in.  Pay attention, ’cause you don’t want to mess this up – trust me.  She’s gonna hold out two outfits.  It might be two dresses or skirts, two blouses, or even two pairs of shoes.  Whatever it is, it’s gonna be two of something and she’s gonna ask you to choose.

You have to keep in mind one thing: it doesn’t matter how much she says she’s torn between the two dresses or how cute both of her tops look – she made up her mind before you even confirmed the reservations.  It seems a little complicated because she already knows what she wants to wear, but she’s not really asking for your fashion advice – she wants to know how well you know hers.  That my friends, is the key.

So how the heck do you know which outfit to “choose” for her?  Pay close attention, because what I am about to tell you is top secret and could get us all in deep trouble.  You have to use your head here and consider all of the appropriate factors like weather, location, how hot she looks in the outfit and who else is going to be there.

Once you account for all of those factors, you have to also remember all of the hints she’s dropped, including comments about how comfortable one outfit feels over another, how great one outfit goes with a certain pair of shoes, the fact that she wore something just like it a few weeks ago, and her plans for wearing the outfit at a later (and better) event.

In the end and after going through this in your head for about 10 minutes (cause remember, dinner is at 7), you will be left with two options: the outfit you think she should wear given all of these factors, and the dress she actually wants to wear. When you reach this point, you are money cause its a 50/50 chance that you’ll get the right answer.

Stay with me now – take the outfit you know she wants to wear and forget about it.  Now, she’s gonna automatically dislike your choice, which is okay, so tell her to go with the second one, the one you know she wouldn’t want to wear.  She’ll consider it for a second, but in the end, will end up choosing the one you originally wanted her to wear.  Confusing?  I know. The key is to pick the dress you know she doesn’t want to wear, and choose that one, ’cause at the end of the day, she doesn’t think you have much taste anyway, so she’ll choose the one she thinks you don’t like – which of course is the one you do (and the one she originally wanted to wear anyway).

I know, we’ve all been there.

Pour One For Yourself Too

Well, it’s the day after Valentine’s Day and I’m sure most of you probably scored big with the wife using some of the usual tricks.  You can’t go wrong with some roses or Newport Beach gondola rides.  So, what’s next? You’ve gone out of your way to show that special lady in your life just how special she really is to you … and now you deserve something too.

Like a good husband, you’ve already learned to make drinks for your wife and her friends.  I’m hoping some of you put those mixology skills to work and actually used Valentine’s Day as the perfect time to unveil your newly developed drink-making powers.  If you had people over, then I’d expect you used the cosmopolitan recipe as a way to impress your wife’s friends (and annoy their dates).

Now that you’ve gone out of your way to make drinks for everyone else, it’s time to take out the good stuff and make yourself a drink.  There are a lot of directions we can take with this one.  In the past, I would have probably suggested a cold beer or a shot of tequila.  More recently, I’ve become a bit of a Jack Daniels guy.  On any other day but today, I would have told you to pour yourself an ounce or two of JD in a rocks glass with three – yes exactly three – ice cubes.  Ask me why later. But, this is a special occasion so it calls for a special drink recipe.  Besides, you took all this time effort to make nice drinks for the ladies, why would you not do the same for yourself right?

What’s it gonna be then?  I’ve certainly had my share of drinks, especially after being married for almost 9 years.  I have to say, I think I’m gonna go with my all-time favorite.  It’s a drink that’s got a little “age” to it, so you won’t be getting a recipe for anything that a college kid would order at the campus bar.  It’s classy, but not so classy to where it’s gonna make you fellas uncomfortable while you’re drinking it.  It’s easy to make, and even better to drink.  The best part?  It’s kinda strong, so your wife will ask for a sip (because that’s what wive’s do), but it’ll definitely be strong enough to discourage any additional samplings.

What am I talking about here?  A sidecar of course, and it represents our third and final drink recipe (just like I promised).

I first learned about sidecars from an old buddy of mine.  He was going through a fedora stage and was spending a lot of time in old Los Angeles bars pretending to be Sammy Davis Jr. or one of the other guys from The Rat Pack.  Being a good friend, he brought me along for the ride – even took me to buy my first fedora.

We walked in to a bar one day after work and he told me to order the sidecar.  I wasn’t really sure what that was.  I was hungry, so I thought it was some type of appetizer. Turns out, it was one of the best drinks I’ve ever tasted, and after two of those, it was my turn to feel like one of the guys from The Rat Pack.

My buddy explained to me that a sidecar is the perfect drink to test a bartender’s skills. A sidecar only includes three ingredients.  So if a bartender screws that up, it’s probably best not to order anything else.  I’ve told that story a bunch of times, and the truth is, I had so many sidecars that night that I don’t know if my buddy ever really said that.  But it’s a good story to tell, and I can’t help but think that because of it, I’ve been single-handedly responsible for bringing back the sidecar.

I’ve hyped it up enough, so here you go: a few simple ingredients is all you need to make yourself a sidecar.  The perfect drink after a long day of work, the perfect reward for being a good husband, and (apparently) the perfect way to test if a bartender knows what he’s doing.

• Sugar (the superfine type works best if you can find it)
• 1.5 ounces of cognac
• 1 ounce of cointreau
• Half of a lemon

Take a chilled cocktail glass (I prefer martini glasses, but any cocktail glass will do) and coat the rim with sugar.  Take your shaker and fill it about halfway with ice.  Add your cognac, orange liqueur, and the lemon juice.  Shake the ingredients well for about 5 seconds.  Strain the liquid mixture into your glass and there you have it.  Easy to make, yet you would be surprised how many bad sidecars I’ve had over the years.

Don’t forget to give your wife a quick taste.  The only thing left to do now is to find yourself a comfortable place where you can sit and sip, put on a little Sinatra, and enjoy.  The fedora, of course, is optional.

It’s Exactly Like Sex and the City – Her Friends Matter

I’m almost embarrassed to admit it, but one of my favorite shows to watch late at night with my wife is Sex and the City.  I’m not a particularly big fan of any of the women on the show, and I don’t really buy into the idea that New York city is any more magical or difficult or whatever than Los Angeles.  I watch the show because it’s taught me so much about what not to do as a husband.  I’ll tell you what guys, wanna lose your wife?  Do what Mr. Big does and you’ll be single in a week.

It comes down to this: when you get married, it’s a given that you are going to inherit a few new brothers and sisters.  But you have to remember that for some people, men and women alike, friends are just as important as family, and yes, friends also come included in the marriage package (a fact that very often escapes Mr. Big).  Some people spend half their life cultivating relationships with friends. My wife and her friends have known each other since elementary school – they call each other sisters.  I get it though, you’re her husband and you should be number one.  But fellas, you don’t really think you’re just going to show up and disrupt and disregard 30 years of friendship because you “put a ring on it” do you?

Even if it feels that way, you have to remember that her friends are not your competition.  In fact, one thing I have learned over the years is that it’s easier to try to win her friends over than it is to try to make them go away.  And what’s the best way to win over a group of women who have known your wife for more than half her life and could easily convince her that she can do a lot better than you?  One word: alcohol.

If you think you get brownie points for making your wife a drink after along day at work, wait till her friends come over and you make drinks for them.  If Sex and the City has taught me anything other than that Mr. Big is a douche bag who doesn’t have a clue about how important a woman’s friends are to her, it’s that women love a good drink.  So, just like I promised, here’s drink #2 – a classic and simple recipe for a cosmo, a drink that you make with your wife’s friends in mind.

The cosmo is as easy to make as it is to mess up, so just like the classic margarita that you made for your wife, make sure you practice this one or you’ll end up giving her friends another reason to dislike you. After all, only an idiot screws up a cosmo.  It starts with the following ingredients:

• 1.5 ounces of vodka (Any kind will do – vodka is flavorless remember?  Just stay away from the store brand stuff.)
• .75 ounces of triple sec or Cointreau
• 3 ounces of lite cranberry juice
• half of a lime

Start the show with a martini glass.  If you don’t have these in stock, how are you married?  Take the time to figure out how many close friends you wife has, add 2 to that total, and that’s how many martini glasses you should keep in stock.  The two extra glasses are for the two that will inevitably be broken by your wife’s drunk friends after a few of these cosmos.  Now, if you were expecting her friends to come over, then you should have already had the martini glasses in the freezer.  If they caught you by surprise, then just fill each martini glass with ice and water to frost them over in a hurry.

Fill a shaker about halfway with ice.  Add the cranberry juice, vodka, and triple sec.  Squeeze most of the juice from the lime into the shaker and shake it well for about 5 seconds – any more and you’ll bruise the vodka, which I think is just something a bartender made up one day.  Anyway, strain the contents of the shaker, minus the ice, into your frosted martini glass and squeeze the last bit of lime juice into the drink.

Rinse and repeat as needed.  Her friends will love you and your wife will love you because of it.  At the end of the day, its just a simple gesture, but no matter what, a good husband always knows that his wife’s friends matter to her, and sometimes keeping them happy can be the key to an even happier marriage.  Tune in next week for drink #3 – the one that matters most since it’s the one you make for yourself.

The Key to a Happy Marriage Is A Good Margarita

Where and how exactly do you start a blog about marriage advice?  I’m sure there are a bunch of people out there – therapist-types mostly – who could write entire books about where to start a blog like this.  But guess what, those guys aren’t writing the blog – I am.

If you ask me, the best place to start anything is with a good drink.  And, since this is the first ever piece of marriage advice I have ever offered online or otherwise, we are actually going to start with three drinks.  Now, you don’t have to worry too much about complicated ingredients and recipes ’cause I’m just not that type of guy. But after 8 years being married I’ve learned that a good husband knows how to make three really good drinks: one for his wife, one for her friends, and one for himself.

The drink you make for you wife has to be a classic that you can personalize.  It has to be a drink that she could get anywhere, but would rather get from you. Her drink is a margarita.  A margarita is a drink that meets all three of the requirements – but be careful, if you do this right, she’s gonna expect that you’ll always be ready to make one, so be prepared to keep things in stock.  So, here you go, trust me, you’re wife will love it … my ingredients for the classic margarita:

• 1.5 ounces of silver tequila – save the aged stuff (añejo or reposado) for when the boys come over
• 0.5 ounces of triple sec if you’re cheap, or cointreau orange liqueur if you’re not
• 3 ounces of sweet and sour mix (go for the On The House lite version to help keep it low-carb ’cause remember, it’s for her not for you)
• 1 orange wedge
• salt

The first thing you do is fill a glass with ice.  If you have margarita glasses, use those, if not, a wine glass works just as well.  Plus, I’m sure you’ve all got thousands of wine glasses just sitting around the house anyway.

Fill a shaker about one-third of the way with ice.  Add your 3 ounces of sweet and sour mix first.  Like I suggested, the On The House mix is my wife’s favorite, but this is one of the ways that you can personalize it.  Find out what mix she likes and make it her drink.  Who knows, she might like hers made with freshly-squeezed lime and orange juice, so find out.

Add your tequila to the mix.  Finally, squeeze in the juice from the orange wedge and here’s the kicker … drop about a teaspoon of salt directly into the shaker. That’s right, not on the rim, but inside the shaker.  Trust me, it tastes amazing with the salt mixed in.  Shake the whole thing up for about 10 seconds and really “milk” it.  Nothing looks cooler than someone who looks like they know what they’re doing with a drink shaker.  Pour the drink into your glass filled with ice and layer (a.k.a. pour) the triple sec/orange liqueur right on top to add a final layer of sweetness.

And … there you have it.  A classic margarita, personalized just right for the woman you love.  It’s again, an easy drink to make, but make sure and practice it a couple of time if you’re new at this.  You don’t want you wife passed out on the couch at 6pm in the evening.  After you’ve made this a few times, sit back and let the kudos come your way. And just think, this is just the drink you learned to make for her – wait ’till you learn to make a drink for her friends.  How’s that for a teaser … come back soon for drink #2.

Well … here we go

First off, I know what you all are thinking and let me be frank, despite the title, this isn’t going to be one of those random food blogs where I’ll be posting a bunch of stuff that you’re never actually going to cook. In fact, this blog is about the furthest thing from food or cooking – marriage.

Now, the truth about marriage is that there is no formula behind how it works, which I guess makes a blog about marriage advice sort of weird and irrelevant. But hey, after 8 years of being married, I almost feel obligated to share with you some of the things (both big and small) that I’ve learned and done to stay happily married to the woman of my dreams.

So here you have it then – it’s all for you … I’m calling it leftover bacon. The blog doesn’t make any more sense than the title, but then again, marriage isn’t supposed to make sense. So, for those of you looking to learn a thing or two about marriage, I invite you to pull up a seat, grab a drink, and join me on what promises to be an interesting ride.  Leftover Bacon – “Recipes” For Staying Happily Married.